Helping the Hurting

Imagine receiving the news that you have a life-threatening disease and as you’re coping with this life-altering diagnosis, a friend says, “You’re such a nice person. You don’t deserve this.” Imagine going through a great loss and your heart is breaking with grief. In an attempt to comfort you, someone says, “This will turn out for your good.”

Sometimes as well-intentioned people, we can feel the awkwardness of trying to think of something to say to someone who is hurting. Perhaps you have been the recipient of hearing similar statements in response to your own suffering.

As Christians, we are told to walk alongside each other in our pain - we are instructed to mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15 says, “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.” We are to bear one another’s burdens. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.” We are to be compassionate, gentle, and patient with each other. Ephesians 4:2 says, “With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.” Then in 1 Peter 3:8, it says, “Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous.” Despite this, sometimes, we unknowingly cause more hurt to the very ones we want to help. We sometimes say things we shouldn’t and then other times we don’t say anything at all when we should.

Why does this happen? Simply put, silence can be uncomfortable, so we fill it with unnecessary chatter to fill the void. Other times we can’t understand what the other person is going through because it’s not something we’ve gone through - so we say nothing at all. Or maybe, what the other person is going through scares us, so we avoid being around them. Not saying anything at all can be equally hurtful to the one going through suffering and pain.

As one author said, “What should we do when a friend or loved one is suffering? How can we love them, support them, and journey with them in their suffering in a way that is encouraging and helps rather than hurts them?

Job endured intense suffering, a kind of suffering most of us will never know. In the blink of an eye, he lost all his children, his wealth, and his health. Job’s story teaches us many things, most specifically about God’s providential control over suffering. But it also reveals to us a few things about how we respond to suffering. How should we respond?”

Here are a few basic principles we can draw on:

Be there. “We often think that we need to have something important and inspiring to say to our friends, when sometimes the best thing we can do is just be present. When Job experienced his traumatic loss, his friends came and sat with him in silence for seven days (see Job 2:11-13). They entered his grief and sorrow, literally sitting in the customary dust and ashes that physically represented the loss he experienced. A friend who has endured great suffering told me that it was helpful for her when people came by to visit. Being surrounded by people who love and care for us can be comforting. However, our visits should come with no expectations and be flexible. There may be times when our physical presence is not helpful. If so, we need to be prepared to leave and try again another time.”

Pray for and with them. “The first thing God calls us to do for our hurting friends is to pray. It may be helpful to divide our prayer into three areas — their spiritual, physical, and emotional needs. So, we can pray that they would turn to the Lord Jesus and find peace in Him even in their trial. We might pray for daily strength, physical healing, and financial provision. We could pray that they not feel anxious or afraid, and that they’d be surrounded by caring friends.”

We can also pray for ourselves – that the Holy Spirit would prompt us to pray for hurting friends regularly and to show us what to pray. We can also ask the Lord to help us fulfill our good intentions and make our efforts toward fruitful. 2 Thessalonians 1:11 says, “Wherefore also we pray always for you…”

Don’t say unkind things. “Much of the book of Job documents the unhelpful things Job’s friends said to him after that initial week of silence. They were convinced he must have done something wrong that made God want to punish him. Each friend took turns, pushing and prodding Job to make him figure out what he had done wrong. Job’s friends were speaking out of their misguided theology that believed that if we do good things, we’ll be blessed, and if we do wrong things, we’ll be punished. While that is sometimes the case, it’s not a rule. In fact, Jesus’s death on the cross speaks loudly against such theology. Many Christians think that God only desires for us to be happy. They think He wants us to have the good life here on this earth. So, when trials and suffering come, they struggle to fit it into their theology. The best thing we can do is pray for wisdom and ask God to help us speak just the right thing at the right time.”

We can share truths that have encouraged us in a hurt we’ve experienced – and the beauty of this is – it doesn’t matter what the pain was – the following truths remain the same:

• God is present in our pain. He is always with us, preparing us, strengthening us and upholding us. Isaiah 41:10 says, “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

• Nothing can separate us from His love. Romans 8:38 and 39 says, “For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

• Our suffering is not meaningless. In Genesis 50:20 we read of the sufferings of Joseph by the hand of his brothers: “But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.”

• My real home is in Heaven. John 14:2 and 3 has given so much comfort to countless believers: “In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.” There will be no tears or crying or pain in any form: “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” (Revelation 21:4).

When it comes time to speak, speak the truth. “There will come a time when your friend is ready to talk about suffering. He or she will want to share the thoughts, feelings, and questions that have persisted since the trial began. When that time comes, speak gospel truth. This is the hope Job had: ‘For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth’ (Job 19:25). Encourage your friend with the love of Jesus. God has not abandoned your friend; He is the only sure refuge and strength. Point your friend to the man of sorrows who was well acquainted with grief. Jesus knew the sting of rejection. He knew temptation, shame, loss, and heartache. Jesus came to bear all our sorrows and griefs, our sin and shame.”

Have a listening ear. Very few people feel like hearing mini-sermons when they are suffering. Most people need a listening ear and presence more than anything else. “The best counselors actively listen, not immediately giving advice or critique, but rather offering space for people to process their emotions and experiences. They ask thoughtful questions, pay attention to verbal and nonverbal responses, and offer reflections on what they notice. Offering that type of listening to our friends may be more healing and life-giving than anything else we do.”

Show your love through actions. Offer specific help. “When a person is suffering, even the little things can overwhelm; we can pick up the slack. Make meals, take phone messages, watch their children, run errands, mow the grass. I asked a friend what helped her most as she faced a hard battle with cancer, and she said it was the notes, texts, and even books people sent her in the mail that meant the most to her. Another friend who lost a spouse shared with me that it was helpful when a friend answered all the phone calls and took messages. When we invest our time to do even little things for someone who is hurting, it speaks volumes.”

“Pray about what God would have you offer, considering the person’s needs as well as your own abilities and limitations.

For our suffering friends, everyday tasks may feel monumental. Yet they often don’t know what they need or even what might be helpful. When we offer specific ways that we can help, we are serving them in multiple ways. While offering help requires forethought and sacrifice, the value to our friends often far exceeds our effort.”

A Bible example of this love in action through words was Jonathan when David was in hiding – Jonathan “arose, and went to David into the wood, and strengthened his hand in God” (1 Samuel 23:16).

Don’t rush the process. “After a certain amount of time has passed, we might think our friend should have moved on from grief or sorrow. In the story of Job, his wife told him, ‘Curse God and die.’ She just wanted him to get over it. But some trials linger with people for much of their lives. We need to stick with them for the long haul. Sometimes our loved one may seem to be doing well, and then something triggers the pain and grief all over again. We need to remember the great patience and forbearance God has for us and provide the same for our friends. Anniversaries of a loss or tragedy in someone’s life are significant. One friend said that sending a card to someone on the anniversary of their loss is helpful. It shows that you have not forgotten. We need to be aware that the wounds may not be seen on the outside even as they fester on the inside. Even after time has passed, those wounds may shrink a bit, but they are still there, and they still hurt.”

Come close. “If you have a friend who is struggling and don’t know how to help, perhaps start by getting together. Be prepared to come close — not standing on the edge, waiting to be asked, but willingly entering the messiness of pain. It probably means listening and praying more than speaking, along with offering specific help as you are able. It also means being willing to share the hope and comfort that God has given you, confident that your witness will not be in vain.

Your friend’s healing may seem slow, but trust that God is using your efforts in ways that will one day shine in glory.”

Connect physically. “An arm around the shoulder, a held hand, and a hug can go a long way. People in hard times often feel isolated and alone. God can use physical connection to communicate care more than words ever can. Perhaps this is why he took on flesh and touched the sick to heal them.”

Keep showing up. “Day after day, week after week, be present for the long haul. Don’t wait to be invited. Don’t wait until you have something profound to say. Don’t wait for the situation to escalate. Be present.”

Do you have friends or other loved ones in the midst of a great trial? Pray and consider the ways you can mourn alongside them, helping without hurting.